So, yeah, I haven't posted here in a million years. That's because I've been posting in my blog on myspace.

If you want to know what's up with me, check out www.myspace.com/blahblahnyborg. Though I think you have to be a myspace member to read my blogs, now that I think about it. Whatever.

Dear Santa... Dear Santa, This year I've been busy! Last month I gave markedformetal a kidney (1000 points). In May I had a shoot-out with rival gang lords on the 5 near LA (-76 points). Last week hulk_smashy and I robbed a bank (-50 points). Last Sunday I signed my organ donor card (28 points). In August squeekdabicci and I donated clothes to the needy (11 points). Overall, I've been nice (913 points). For Christmas I deserve a Lego set! Sincerely, blahblahnyborg

I think I'm gonna move to San Francisco within the next year. I'm feeling a bit of wanderlust, and now is the perfect time to make a move to somewhere I haven't lived before. I have no husband or kids or pets. I'm almost 30. Now is the time to see what else is out there. I'm thinking San Francisco because it would be close to my mom, and it's a pretty city. My other thoughts are San Diego, Phoenix or Atlanta (close to my brother).

Now, I don't want to hear about how much I would hate living in any of those places, or how expensive they are. I'm aware of these things and am willing to take that chance. If I move, it's not forever, and if I hate it after a year or two, I will go somewhere else.

However, if you have constructive advice or information, like where to live or any law firms that are hiring, give me a shout. Likewise for any encouragement.

I'm sorry. Netflix doesn't have Rubin and Ed. WTF?

It's kinda like finding out the guy you're dating wipes his boogers on the shower wall, not a deal breaker, but it certainly bursts the illusion of perfection.

I need the name of a couple good tattoo artists in Seattle or Portland.

My brother is going to be here for Christmas and he wants to get a tattoo while he's home.

He will be in Portland 12/16 to 12/18 and Seattle 12/23-12/26.

Thank you for sharing your knowledge!

1. I have a new apartment and am moving in January. Whee! I can't wait to have my own space. Of course, once I have it, I will probably be very lonely and want to have a roommate again.

2. I might be going to NYC in December.

3. My brother goes on terminal leave in May and will be done with the Marines in July.

4. I walked the Portland Marathon in October. 26.2 miles. Yikes.

5. I like rock climbing.

6. I will be giving up my livejournal when my membership expires. I don't ever write in it anymore, and don't read it too much, either.

7. I'm still single, and pretty much OK with it. I would like to get laid, but whatever. My sex drive is in hibernation for a while, and that's OK.

8. Patrick has still not taken my name off of the loan. After sending him a somewhat threatening email, I'm hoping it will be done by the end of the year. I'd hate to have to take him to court.

9. I went to San Francisco this summer. You San Franciscans have a beautiful city. Beautiful.

10. I will be in Seattle for 5 days over Christmas.

That is all. This may well be my last post, so I will wish you all well now.

Date:	2005-08-03 16:12
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	horny

I need to get laid, STAT.

I am not even kidding.

Loneliness tastes like pennies.

I want things I can't have. For instance, I want this stupid cold/allergy/stuffiness issue to go away. I want to be OK. I want a hug I can lean into for a while.

The doctor thinks there is something wrong with my heart. It seems that sometimes anxiety is not just anxiety, especially when your left arm goes numb. While I am sure this is nothing (I'm a 28 year old woman, for Christ's sake, not a prime canditate for a heart attack) I am terrified that it is something. Two nights in a row I have had a nightmare that I died waiting for a heart transplant.

I am not one to borrow trouble, and I'd like to keep my worries to myself, but maybe if I write this here I can exorcise this demon. I don't know why this is wigging me out so badly. I know it's just anxiety. I'm sure this fear that I will die alone in an alley because I can't afford medical treatment is more related to the fact that I am divorced and haven't gotten laid in nearly a year than anything actually being wrong with me.

I keep trying to update, but what's the point? All my stories are too long now, and take up too much time.

There is this guy, but he doesn't like me the way I like him. You know how sometimes you have a friendship with someone, and in the back of your head you know that that friend would like the relationship to be more? And they would do anything for you, and you hang out with them because you like them, but you always keep them at arms length because you don't want them to "get any ideas" about how you feel about them? I am that person for this guy. I know he doesn't feel the way I do. And it confuses me and pisses me off that I feel the way I do about him. He's not my type. And if we dated, it would end badly, probably before it got off the ground. But I still hope. I still want him. I feel stupid. Maybe I feel this way because no matter how much of a long shot he is, he is the closest I'm gonna get.

I'm in an ugly duckling phase. I feel fat, my hair is unruly and my skin is bad. I know this will not last, but it sure does suck.

I gotta go. My head hurts, and I feel like shit.

I feel like I'm so irritated! antiotter told me that wookiepocket told mobiusmuse that they saw me talking to secretninja and dissing on quan_yin. Whatever! And yeah. You might guess I don't give a flying f*** what they think anymore. I'm over that.

Oh and dad was totally unfair to me yesterday and now I have to do chores instead of going to the movies with people :-(.

And also that bitter old queen litos gone and said that I got caught talking crap about nonfeasance.

Hey and know what? ectal said they wanted to hang out at the mall but _jezebeth_ wanted to do something else :-(.

This entry automatically generated by the LJ Drama Generator!

I am so lonely I feel that I could literally die. My skin feels like it could shrivel up and flake away from lack of a loving caress. I ache to be touched, held, cuddled, loved. This pain is like another person following me around everywhere. Once in a while I manage to shade out, but it always finds me again.

I go to bed terrified and wake up dreading the day ahead. I need someone, and want someone to need me, too. I know how pathetic that is.

Today is St. Valentine's Day. Instead of being bitter and angry, I gave Valentines to my friends and coworkers. I want to send my love out into the world, instead of keeping it locked up in my heart, so it will come back to me, refreshed and unafraid.

I want this pain to stop. I want things I can't have. My life is such a mess.

Some days I can't help feeling that I'm repulsive. Other days I feel that I am "not that bright." My self-worth is entirely too dependent on what other people think of me. Some days I wish I could hide in a corner and never come out again. Ever.

I had the worst panic attack of my life last night. I hid under my blankets and sobbed for 3 hours straight; my heart was banging away in my chest and my hands and feet went numb. These panic attacks have been happening a lot lately and it's pissing me off. Time to visit the doctor again, I guess.

Dude. Some guy was shot a block from my office as I was walking to work this morning.

Merry fucking Christmas.

I just found out that my brother has a Livejournal (squeekdabicci because he sent an email that said he was no longer using LJ, but had moved his blog to squeekdabicci.blogspot.com. Dammit. It would have been cool to have my brother as part of my LJ community. Ah well, at least he knows where to find me now.

In other news: I can't believe Christmas is Saturday. Ugh. I'm so not emotionally ready for it. I'm such a grinch this year, and I'm really not looking forward to driving to Seattle to spend yet another depressing Christmas with my parents. Not that my parents are depressing, or that I'm against spending time with them, but without my brother there it's just too fucking sad.

Everything is too fucking sad this year. I can't even watch Miracle on 34th Street. Sigh.

Merry fucking Christmas and tidings of fucking joy.

Thank you, kind person who gave me a rename token. I've been wanting to change my user name, and have never gotten around to it.

Why do like this guy? I mean, I guess I know WHY, but I also know that we work together and it would never work. I also know that I'm not really in a good position to getting into any kind of shenanigans with any guy, let alone one I work with. Bad things are coming, I can just feel it.

Also: I hate everything.

For those of you who want to know how I am: I'm shitty.

I'm bitter and angry, and it's not getting any better. And it's not what you think, I don't want to be with him again. I'm angry at the circumstances. I'm angry that my marriage managed to destroy what little confidence I had in myself. I can't stop thinking that he never really wanted to be there and that I was stupid to keep hanging on. That's me, stupid, ugly and not good enough for anyone. Yeah, I said it. Deal.

This weekend, it will have been a year. And what pisses me off is that I'm emotionally worse off now than I was then. I should be in a better place. Yes, I should be, I don't care what you think.

Yay! schmuckythecat is back!

What the fuck happened to schmuckythecat?